Pivot Part 1

Have you ever been in the zone, making killer progress towards goals, feeling unstoppable - maybe even a little cocky?  Then out of nowhere you start getting smacked back down in all directions?  What do you do?  How do you react?  What kind of headspace do you end up in?

THE STRUGGLE

Divorce -- I finished mediation with T-Ex a month ago and was able to settle.  "That means we just need to draft final paperwork reflecting what we agreed to, get the judge to sign off and you are done with this chapter!" said the attorney.  With that being done and not having feelings for the guy, I felt like the worst of the situation had come and gone.  And then the deadlines to start separating out agreed items crept up.  #StressTFO.  

With the way things were settled, I've known for a month I need to acquire a new ride.  How do you do that when you have no job to secure a loan and no liquid cash to buy one outright?  Against the advice of my trusted advisors, I tried my hand at online auctions, of course.  Right out of the gate, I accidently bid on the wrong vehicle, won the hunk of junk for $600, had a mild heart attack fretting how I'm going to confess my foolishness, and then.... SAVED!  Thankfully the seller thought they could get more money so they denied the final bid and I got out of my pickle; however, didn't resolve the existing need.  It did reaffirm I am not a champion of all and should probably listen to my support system. 

Job Search -- I utilize 4 different resources to pinpoint job opportunities.  On one of those alone, over the course of a two week period, I had applied for 65 different jobs.  Yet, here I am without a daily hustle.  This wouldn't be the end of the world, as I have had a job offer that was not the right fit for me and I have multiple second interview requests coming up; however, looking at my bank accounts puts some added pressure to the hunt.  

Relationships-- I was taught a long time ago that in order to allow the best relationships to thrive, you must prune out the lesser which take away time and effort from the others.  The divorce did a lot of pruning for me -- in-laws, mutual friends -- all at once out of my life.  There were a few relationships that I noticed were overdue for pruning.  I had been taking lots of abuse from lots of directions, it seems.  However, though I'm not dating, I have been toying with the idea and the hope for a future "Forever Man".  With that, I've entertained conversations and interactions that were obviously intended to be on the romantic side.  One after another, I've steadily been pruning those out: some for dramatic reasons, some just fell off and some seemed to cut themselves and take to the wind as fast as possible.  

Single Parenting --  Tooter Bug keeps getting sick.  He's in daycare: it happens.  After a trip to the doctor for his 4th ear infection in 3 months, it is now time to get surgery to insert tubes.  Quick procedure, just more money Momma don't got!

Friday, as I was dealing with the thoughts and emotions of all these things, I felt extremely overcome with negative talk.  I'm not used to depending on others.  I feel like a burden.  I am trying so hard.  Do they notice?  I'm failing.  When am I going to get a break?  The thoughts finally got so heavy I found myself on my stomach, in the middle of my room, on the floor, praying. *SNAP* and just like that I decided it was time to pick myself up, hit to road and take a run.  So that's exactly what I did.  

I turned on my running music, I made my way to the street and down one, up another.  I was feeling incredible, unstoppable, strong, fierce.  I rounded a corner, caught my runner's high (it's a real thing) and a burst of adrenaline through my veins.  Who cares I'm not in control of everything and not everything is happening on my time or my way?  I'm a victor not a victim!  I was pumping myself up.  It was incredible.  I watched my feet, one in front of the other.  I was jamming to my music.  Then, I realize I hear something that doesn't sound right.  I look up.  I freeze.